Altameroy Blog

I keep reading in various articles and in marriage self-help books that the reason a spouse cheats is because of something the other spouse did or didn’t do? But this is incorrect information. To blame one spouse for the sexual indiscretions of the other only gets the cheater off the hook, so to speak. What a web of deceit we can weave. It’s wrong folks.

Couples spend hundreds, and sometimes thousands of dollars listening to a stranger tell them what is wrong with their marriage. But if the marriage does not have the proper foundations established for it in the first place, none of it matters! What is important is getting to the root of the issues facing couples today in their marriage, not arguing over who is right or wrong.

Everyone originates from God and everyone is accountable to God for his or her actions. The root of unfaithfulness in marriage has absolutely nothing to do with who we are married to. It has to do with who we are as people.

What really causes a spouse to cheat is the lack of the spiritual Christ in his or her life. Spiritual bankruptcy is the root of unfaithfulness to God and to our spouse. Living a spiritual life and experiencing the power of Christ tends to make people realize how important they really are, that is when morals begin changing in that person for the good and the temptation to cheat goes away from their heart and mind.

What causes a spouse to cheat is lack of morals - It takes a person of upright character to withstand the temptations of society. If a person does not trust in and believe in God they will follow what the world does. It is really that simple. Sometimes a person will commit adultery even when they know it is wrong. It is a lifestyle thing. Monkey see, monkey do.

If you have no faith you will live with no faith. If you think you are a believer in Christ and are still cheating on your spouse, maybe it is time to review your faith.
Have you committed your life to Jesus Christ? That’s the question that needs answered? If you answered no, then you will live your life under your own understanding of what you think, feel and believe, which ultimately leads to sin.

[Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexuals offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the Kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 6: 9-11]

In the above scripture, Paul was describing the characteristics of unbelievers. If you feel that you are a believer but continue in these practices you will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Such people need to re-examine their lives to see if they truly are believers in Christ Jesus.

In other words people are condemned not because of what they do not know, but for what they do with what they know. If a person knows that adultery is a sin and they still cheat on their spouse, then God will judge them. People violate the very standards that they create for themselves. The standards of society are sin. So if we live by that foundation for our marriage, what do you think is going to happen?

If a man is not dedicated to his marriage and he has no principles to base his marriage on then his commitment level will not mean much to him either, and he will stray from the marriage bed. It’s that simple.

So next time you read that the cause of a spouse’s infidelity is because of the person they are married to, think again.

[He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly praised among men is detestable in God’s sight.” Luke 16:15]

~~

Angie Lewis, author of JOURNEY ON THE ROADS LESS TRAVELED has written another informative marriage book geared to married women and women who are thinking of getting married. In her book Angie shares her inspired divine wisdom that took her years to figure out and apply into her own marriage of 22 years.

“LOVE THE MAN YOU MARRIED” A Woman’s Handbook For Marriage
Has been released. Pick up your copy today!

For more information on this book visit Angie’s website
http://www.spiritual.journeybooks.4t.com/

Subscribe to get your FREE monthly newsletter so you can learn to stay happily and forever married!
http://www.heavenministries.com/

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Walking on egg shells! Has anyone ever told you, that’s how they
feel

around you? If they have, it’s a huge red flag and one that
should not

be ignored. It needs to be dealt with immediately.

Relationships are a tough challenging part of our lives.
Especially

when dealing with matters of the heart. As truly good as they
make you

feel, they can in turn tear you apart from the inside in a
heartbeat.

When the red flags start to rise up, that’s when your
relationship is

crying out for help. You need to address it, as if a baby was
crying

out to you.

When someone says they feel like they are walking on egg shells,
what

is that telling you? It’s telling you :

that they can no longer be themselves in your presence. that
they fear your reaction whenever they speak. that they are
stuck, that they cannot move in either direction, for

fear of upsetting you. It is also telling you that they need to
stop this feeling that is

tearing them apart. Many of us are guilty for causing these
prison bars that surround our

loved ones.

We do not even realize that our own fears are doing this to
them. We

are so caught up in ourselves that we are blind to the world
that we

have created for them.

Through our own fears we hear what they say in all the wrong

languages. We interpret them through our weaknesses and turn
what they

say all upside down.

Some of us react irrationally, forcing our partner to either
take

cover and hide or even worse become irrational themselves. This
is

when we both become deaf and blind. When the relationship war
begins,

there are no winners, only victims. What once was love, kisses
and

smiles has turned into an ugly vicious battle ground of snarls,
hate,

and searching for the lowest hit we can aim for. Wow, how does
this

happen so fast? We as humans are notorious for ruining so many
very

good things out of pure bad habits.

No one wants to lose or be the one saying, “I am sorry” every
five

minutes, nor should a real relationship become a win/lose
situation

either. Who wants to walk on egg shells? Then again, no one
wants to

have to defend their every breathe to someone they thought loved
them

unconditionally and are committed to. Walking on egg shells
sucks!

If we cannot be ourselves with the one we love, then who can we
be

that with? This is not to say that a person should disrespect
the

other. When you know that something troubles the other person or
makes

them feel truly uncomfortable, it should go without saying that
it is

just not done. That is true respect. Why would you want to do

something to hurt your best friend or even make your loved one
feel

out of place?

In new relationships it does take time to get things organized
as in

any new situation. Moving into a new house, a new job, having a
baby,

or even planning a trip, we have to reorganize to accommodate
our now

lives. Committing to another person is just the beginning of the
book.

It is just the title. Now you have to write the story and yes,
make a

few corrections along the way on both parts, but the trick is to

constantly compare each others notes. Remember this: staying on
the

same page is what your relationship is all about.

When we make a commitment to another person through love, we are

taking on a responsibility to share our love and life with that

person. We are silently telling them that we are now going to
take in

consideration their feelings as well as our own.

Your once single-self life has now become a two-self life. This
does

not mean that you stop breathing and living. It just means that
you

are now sharing your life with this chosen person. It opens up a
whole

new world of respect. Remember also that you cannot gain respect
if

you do not offer respect. Life becomes a definite two-way street
when

two hearts are involved. There are also two minds working in
this

relationship now; two minds that are of opposite genders, two
minds

that will collide now and then. This is not a bad thing. We need
to

have differences to add spice to our lives.

Be very careful of starting the “Poor Me”, habit. This is
another

relationship red flag to watch for. Remember, walking on egg
shells?

If one partner becomes so caught up in their own worries and
fails to

share this with their partner, it will sneak in between you both
and

begin to build a very strong wall of negative habits. If you
have read

any of my other articles, you will know these negative habits
well,

jealousy, mistrust, low self-esteem and total loneliness.

When your partner begins to feel they are slipping away from
you, grab

on and do not for a minute take that red flag for granted.
Listen hard

to their worries and love them more, not necessarily better.
Just show

more of your love. If they keep slipping away, then there is
either

nothing left to save or they need help outside of your
relationship.

It is so important to know your partner. Only then can you
realize

when they are in trouble. Do not allow your relationship to
become the

wallpaper in your house. No one wants to be a wallflower. No one
with

any self-respect that is.

Another great phrase I hear all the time is, “Door Mat
syndrome”. Oh

this is a very bad thing for couples to allow to take hold of
their

relationship. In many cases one partner has taken hold of it and
falls

into a control habit. This is something that plagues many

relationships. When does one partner become the owner? I will
use that

word because it shows possession and control. This happens
because it

can. Some one has allowed this ownership to take place. STOP
allowing

this, please. A partnership, relationship, commitment, whatever
you

want to call it, is an EQUAL understanding of respect and love.
There

are no owners and no bosses. No one is above the other. Man
should

respect woman and vice-verse. This is a must in order to make a

relationship strong enough to not allow negative habits any
control.

When there are no negative habits, there is no walking on
eggshells.

How much more simpler can it get. We are an intelligent species,
so

let us act intelligent when we decide to commit to another
person.

This is two lives we are dealing with here, not just another
Hollywood

movie. We are all going to age and all of us are going to notice
our

body parts going south. Guess what, no one is above that law.
When you

have found a true love, and are willing to invest your life with
that

person, please do not allow material things or negative fantasy
ideals

to come between you. It really is not worth it.

When you feel unsure of something ,or you feel negative emotions

taking control of your mind, reach out to your partner. Don’t
walk on

egg shells. Do not turn it into a war against your partner. Use
all of

your love to fight the negative relationship habits. Love is
worth it.

We all have our good and bad days. Some have more than others.
So when

it’s a good day, then make it a really good day. Those are
always

remembered the longest. Don’t walk on egg shells. We have to
love

ourselves first, then and only then can we love another!

Tell each other often what you saw in each other, what you see
now.

Being reminded why we are “The One” helps us to act that way.

-Toni Sciarra Poynter

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We’ve all heard the expression that ‘opposites attract’. Heck,
even Paula Abdul made a song dedicated to such a phenomenon.
While opposites can seem to have the biggest challenges ahead of
them when they get married, they also have to most opportunities
for love and romance. People who embrace romance and actually
admit that they enjoy romance are more likely to be successfully
married to their opposite. It just goes to show you how powerful
romance can be in any marriage!

Every marriage experiences problems and even misunderstandings
from small tiffs to shouting matches and the reason for this is
often because both spouses are not able to acknowledge,
recognize and appreciate their differences or the principle of
balancing opposites. Everything is intended to be able to work
with and often balance its opposite. Life is full of opposites
that complement each other like man and woman, happy and sad,
funny and serious, give and take as well as life and death.

Opposites offer insight into the magic of how life is balanced.
If you begin to see your spouse as your equivalent on the
opposite side of the scale of life, you should find that you
have a new appreciation for his or her individuality.

Try seeing everything you experience in your marriage at
complementary experiences or behaviors. For instance, instead of
using your differences with your spouse as a reason for
conflict, try considering them as an important part of the
person you love and celebrate them. While the opposite traits
may seem to stand out, you undoubtedly have some common traits
you share with your spouse. Find strength with your spouse
because of your similarities.

Take each day with your spouse and live it to the fullest. At
the same time, it is a wonderful idea to make your memories a
part of what makes your romance special. If you love reading
books, buy some more but make them about something that your
spouse is interested in. He or she may never read the book, but
you will have and you can share all kinds of thoughts and ideas
that you may not have been able to before. At the same time,
stop relying on books that tell you how to improve your
marriage. You already have all that you need without them. You
and your spouse are already there!

Make sure you aren’t holding anything back in your relationship.
Each partnership tends to have an individual who would rather
bury their feelings than express them and possibly cause
conflict or wounded feelings. It is absolutely all right to
express how you feel as long as your words are chosen carefully.
Never take on an accusative tone and always make sure you
emphasize what you are saying is how you feel.

You are married to your best friend. If you don’t treat him or
her like they are your best friend already, it’s time to start
right now. On the other hand, sometimes it might be fun to act
like he or she is a stranger to spice things up. Imagine a
chance to get to know one another all over again!

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Your spouse has cheated. It’s not your imagination: you have proof. You suspected this for quite a while, but now the evidence is siiting there in front of you. Phone records, credit card receipts for gifts and hotel stays, love letters, emails. The thoughts and emotions swirling through your brain are sometimes so overwhelming you feel weak. Sometimes you don’t know whether to cry or throw up.

You think that no one can understand what you’re going through, but the reality is that most of us have been in exactly the same place you are in right now. According to some studies, 60% of married men and 40% of married women have cheated on their spouses at some time. You want it all to go away, but of course it won’t. So, what do you do?

Get your ducks in a row

If your spouse doesn’t know that you know, keep quiet for now. You’ll want to gather as much physical, irrefutable evidence as you can before any confrontation. You’ll need this evidence if you do not want a divorce. So bide your time. The cheater will continue to create evidence for you. A confrontation at this time will be counterproductive. First, the cheater will usually deny everything. Weak evidence will be laughed off. Worse, once you’ve voiced your suspicions the cheater will try harder to hide his tracks. This will make future evidence gathering extremely difficult.

So keep quiet, even though you feel like screaming inside. Continue to gather evidence. The more evidence you have, the less the cheater can stay in denial. If you should decide to divorce, all the evidence can help you get a more favorable settlement.

It’s almost never forever

Keep in mind that most affairs do not last more than a few months. Eventually, your spouse gets as bored with the partner as he did with you. He might have exchanged bed partnes, but he didn’t change. The research shows that very few people in affairs end up divorcing their spouses and marrying their lovers. Furthermore, the cheaters that do marry their lovers have an even higher rate of divorce than that of the originally married couples. In other words, affair-driven marriages are uncommon and have a worse success rate. The affair won’t last.

Now if you’re the one being cheated on, this information doesn’t seem to do you any good right now. Just know that the affair is temporary, and that you can survive it and still have a happy marriage. So if you want to fightn for your marriage, take these simple steps:
1. Be patient; affairs are generally short lived
2. Gather evidence. When the confrontation comes, you don’t want denials; you want confession and remorse.
3. If your spouse is truly contrite, and if you feel that the marriage is more good than bad, consider this a temporary detour in your marriage. If both of you will make the effort, your marriage can be put back on track.
4. You will never forget, nor will he. But, you will need to forgive. Forgive him for his lapse, and forgive yourself for any part you played in the breakdown of the marriage. For the marriage to survive, you must both close this chapter. Put it behind you and be willing to go forward in a fresh start to the rest of your marriage.

Forgive yourself first

Forgiveness is more for you than it is for him. Carrying this hurt around with you forever is emotionally destructive. It will damage your mental health and limit your relationships from now on. Don’t let it. Whether you stay in the marriage or divorce and move on, you’re life has changed forever. Close this chapter and don’t look back. There is still a lot of your life to live. Make the most of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach
I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work
www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

Click here to ask Alan a question
about your biggest relationship issue
http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm

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©2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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